Joseph Andrews, Vol. 1 Read online

  CHAPTER VI.

  _How Joseph Andrews writ a letter to his sister Pamela._

  "To MRS PAMELA ANDREWS, LIVING WITH SQUIRE BOOBY.

  "DEAR SISTER,--Since I received your letter of your good lady's death,we have had a misfortune of the same kind in our family. My worthymaster Sir Thomas died about four days ago; and, what is worse, my poorlady is certainly gone distracted. None of the servants expected her totake it so to heart, because they quarrelled almost every day of theirlives: but no more of that, because you know, Pamela, I never loved totell the secrets of my master's family; but to be sure you must haveknown they never loved one another; and I have heard her ladyship wishhis honour dead above a thousand times; but nobody knows what it is tolose a friend till they have lost him.

  "Don't tell anybody what I write, because I should not care to havefolks say I discover what passes in our family; but if it had not beenso great a lady, I should have thought she had had a mind to me. DearPamela, don't tell anybody; but she ordered me to sit down by herbedside, when she was naked in bed; and she held my hand, and talkedexactly as a lady does to her sweetheart in a stage-play, which I haveseen in Covent Garden, while she wanted him to be no better than heshould be.

  "If madam be mad, I shall not care for staying long in the family; so Iheartily wish you could get me a place, either at the squire's, or someother neighbouring gentleman's, unless it be true that you are going tobe married to parson Williams, as folks talk, and then I should be verywilling to be his clerk; for which you know I am qualified, being ableto read and to set a psalm.

  "I fancy I shall be discharged very soon; and the moment I am, unless Ihear from you, I shall return to my old master's country-seat, if it beonly to see parson Adams, who is the best man in the world. London is abad place, and there is so little good fellowship, that the next-doorneighbours don't know one another. Pray give my service to all friendsthat inquire for me. So I rest

  "Your loving brother,

  "JOSEPH ANDREWS."

  As soon as Joseph had sealed and directed this letter he walkeddownstairs, where he met Mrs. Slipslop, with whom we shall take thisopportunity to bring the reader a little better acquainted. She was amaiden gentlewoman of about forty-five years of age, who, having made asmall slip in her youth, had continued a good maid ever since. She wasnot at this time remarkably handsome; being very short, and rather toocorpulent in body, and somewhat red, with the addition of pimples in theface. Her nose was likewise rather too large, and her eyes too little;nor did she resemble a cow so much in her breath as in two brown globeswhich she carried before her; one of her legs was also a little shorterthan the other, which occasioned her to limp as she walked. This faircreature had long cast the eyes of affection on Joseph, in which she hadnot met with quite so good success as she probably wished, though,besides the allurements of her native charms, she had given him tea,sweetmeats, wine, and many other delicacies, of which, by keeping thekeys, she had the absolute command. Joseph, however, had not returnedthe least gratitude to all these favours, not even so much as a kiss;though I would not insinuate she was so easily to be satisfied; forsurely then he would have been highly blameable. The truth is, she wasarrived at an age when she thought she might indulge herself in anyliberties with a man, without the danger of bringing a third person intothe world to betray them. She imagined that by so long a self-denial shehad not only made amends for the small slip of her youth above hintedat, but had likewise laid up a quantity of merit to excuse any futurefailings. In a word, she resolved to give a loose to her amorousinclinations, and to pay off the debt of pleasure which she found sheowed herself, as fast as possible.

  With these charms of person, and in this disposition of mind, sheencountered poor Joseph at the bottom of the stairs, and asked him if hewould drink a glass of something good this morning. Joseph, whosespirits were not a little cast down, very readily and thankfullyaccepted the offer; and together they went into a closet, where, havingdelivered him a full glass of ratafia, and desired him to sit down, Mrs.Slipslop thus began:--

  "Sure nothing can be a more simple contract in a woman than to place heraffections on a boy. If I had ever thought it would have been my fate, Ishould have wished to die a thousand deaths rather than live to see thatday. If we like a man, the lightest hint sophisticates. Whereas a boyproposes upon us to break through all the regulations of modesty, beforewe can make any oppression upon him." Joseph, who did not understand aword she said, answered, "Yes, madam."--"Yes, madam!" replied Mrs.Slipslop with some warmth, "Do you intend to result my passion? Is itnot enough, ungrateful as you are, to make no return to all the favoursI have done you; but you must treat me with ironing? Barbarous monster!how have I deserved that my passion should be resulted and treated withironing?" "Madam," answered Joseph, "I don't understand your hard words;but I am certain you have no occasion to call me ungrateful, for, so farfrom intending you any wrong, I have always loved you as well as if youhad been my own mother." "How, sirrah!" says Mrs. Slipslop in a rage;"your own mother? Do you assinuate that I am old enough to be yourmother? I don't know what a stripling may think, but I believe a manwould refer me to any green-sickness silly girl whatsomdever: but Iought to despise you rather than be angry with you, for referring theconversation of girls to that of a woman of sense."--"Madam," saysJoseph, "I am sure I have always valued the honour you did me by yourconversation, for I know you are a woman of learning."--"Yes, but,Joseph," said she, a little softened by the compliment to her learning,"if you had a value for me, you certainly would have found some methodof showing it me; for I am convicted you must see the value I have foryou. Yes, Joseph, my eyes, whether I would or no, must have declared apassion I cannot conquer.--Oh! Joseph!"

  As when a hungry tigress, who long has traversed the woods in fruitlesssearch, sees within the reach of her claws a lamb, she prepares to leapon her prey; or as a voracious pike, of immense size, surveys throughthe liquid element a roach or gudgeon, which cannot escape her jaws,opens them wide to swallow the little fish; so did Mrs. Slipslop prepareto lay her violent amorous hands on the poor Joseph, when luckily hermistress's bell rung, and delivered the intended martyr from herclutches. She was obliged to leave him abruptly, and to defer theexecution of her purpose till some other time. We shall therefore returnto the Lady Booby, and give our reader some account of her behaviour,after she was left by Joseph in a temper of mind not greatly differentfrom that of the inflamed Slipslop.