Joseph Andrews, Vol. 1 Read online

  CHAPTER VII.

  _Sayings of wise men. A dialogue between the lady and her maid; and apanegyric, or rather satire, on the passion of love, in thesublime style._

  It is the observation of some antient sage, whose name I have forgot,that passions operate differently on the human mind, as diseases on thebody, in proportion to the strength or weakness, soundness orrottenness, of the one and the other.

  We hope, therefore, a judicious reader will give himself some pains toobserve, what we have so greatly laboured to describe, the differentoperations of this passion of love in the gentle and cultivated mind ofthe Lady Booby, from those which it effected in the less polished andcoarser disposition of Mrs Slipslop.

  Another philosopher, whose name also at present escapes my memory, hathsomewhere said, that resolutions taken in the absence of the belovedobject are very apt to vanish in its presence; on both which wisesayings the following chapter may serve as a comment.

  No sooner had Joseph left the room in the manner we have before relatedthan the lady, enraged at her disappointment, began to reflect withseverity on her conduct. Her love was now changed to disdain, whichpride assisted to torment her. She despised herself for the meanness ofher passion, and Joseph for its ill success. However, she had now gotthe better of it in her own opinion, and determined immediately todismiss the object. After much tossing and turning in her bed, and manysoliloquies, which if we had no better matter for our reader we wouldgive him, she at last rung the bell as above mentioned, and waspresently attended by Mrs Slipslop, who was not much better pleased withJoseph than the lady herself.

  "Slipslop," said Lady Booby, "when did you see Joseph?" The poor womanwas so surprized at the unexpected sound of his name at so critical atime, that she had the greatest difficulty to conceal the confusion shewas under from her mistress; whom she answered, nevertheless, withpretty good confidence, though not entirely void of fear of suspicion,that she had not seen him that morning. "I am afraid," said Lady Booby,"he is a wild young fellow."--"That he is," said Slipslop, "and awicked one too. To my knowledge he games, drinks, swears, and fightseternally; besides, he is horribly indicted to wenching."--"Ay!" saidthe lady, "I never heard that of him."--"O madam!" answered the other,"he is so lewd a rascal, that if your ladyship keeps him much longer,you will not have one virgin in your house except myself. And yet Ican't conceive what the wenches see in him, to be so foolishly fond asthey are; in my eyes, he is as ugly a scarecrow as I everupheld."--"Nay," said the lady, "the boy is well enough."--"La! ma'am,"cries Slipslop, "I think him the ragmaticallest fellow in thefamily."--"Sure, Slipslop," says she, "you are mistaken: but which ofthe women do you most suspect?"--"Madam," says Slipslop, "there is Bettythe chambermaid, I am almost convicted, is with child by him."--"Ay!"says the lady, "then pray pay her her wages instantly. I will keep nosuch sluts in my family. And as for Joseph, you may discard himtoo."--"Would your ladyship have him paid off immediately?" criesSlipslop, "for perhaps, when Betty is gone he may mend: and really theboy is a good servant, and a strong healthy luscious boy enough."--"This morning," answered the lady with some vehemence. "I wish, madam,"cries Slipslop, "your ladyship would be so good as to try him a littlelonger."--"I will not have my commands disputed," said the lady; "sureyou are not fond of him yourself?"--"I, madam!" cries Slipslop,reddening, if not blushing, "I should be sorry to think your ladyshiphad any reason to respect me of fondness for a fellow; and if it be yourpleasure, I shall fulfil it with as much reluctance as possible."--"Aslittle, I suppose you mean," said the lady; "and so about it instantly."Mrs. Slipslop went out, and the lady had scarce taken two turns beforeshe fell to knocking and ringing with great violence. Slipslop, who didnot travel post haste, soon returned, and was countermanded as toJoseph, but ordered to send Betty about her business without delay. Shewent out a second time with much greater alacrity than before; when thelady began immediately to accuse herself of want of resolution, and toapprehend the return of her affection, with its pernicious consequences;she therefore applied herself again to the bell, and re-summoned Mrs.Slipslop into her presence; who again returned, and was told by hermistress that she had considered better of the matter, and wasabsolutely resolved to turn away Joseph; which she ordered her to doimmediately. Slipslop, who knew the violence of her lady's temper, andwould not venture her place for any Adonis or Hercules in the universe,left her a third time; which she had no sooner done, than the little godCupid, fearing he had not yet done the lady's business, took a fresharrow with the sharpest point out of his quiver, and shot it directlyinto her heart; in other and plainer language, the lady's passion gotthe better of her reason. She called back Slipslop once more, and toldher she had resolved to see the boy, and examine him herself; thereforebid her send him up. This wavering in her mistress's temper probably putsomething into the waiting-gentlewoman's head not necessary to mentionto the sagacious reader.

  Lady Booby was going to call her back again, but could not prevail withherself. The next consideration therefore was, how she should behave toJoseph when he came in. She resolved to preserve all the dignity of thewoman of fashion to her servant, and to indulge herself in this lastview of Joseph (for that she was most certainly resolved it should be)at his own expense, by first insulting and then discarding him.

  O Love, what monstrous tricks dost thou play with thy votaries of bothsexes! How dost thou deceive them, and make them deceive themselves!Their follies are thy delight! Their sighs make thee laugh, and theirpangs are thy merriment!

  Not the great Rich, who turns men into monkeys, wheel-barrows, andwhatever else best humours his fancy, hath so strangely metamorphosedthe human shape; nor the great Cibber, who confounds all number, gender,and breaks through every rule of grammar at his will, hath so distortedthe English language as thou dost metamorphose and distort thehuman senses.

  Thou puttest out our eyes, stoppest up our ears, and takest away thepower of our nostrils; so that we can neither see the largest object,hear the loudest noise, nor smell the most poignant perfume. Again, whenthou pleasest, thou canst make a molehill appear as a mountain, aJew's-harp sound like a trumpet, and a daisy smell like a violet. Thoucanst make cowardice brave, avarice generous, pride humble, and crueltytender-hearted. In short, thou turnest the heart of man inside out, as ajuggler doth a petticoat, and bringest whatsoever pleaseth thee outfrom it. If there be any one who doubts all this, let him read thenext chapter.